I have worked with many couples during the past 2 decades and have seen a wide range of problems come into my therapy office. A very challenging situation occurs when both partners in a relationship have lost their friendship and have become flooded with emotions of hurt, anger, and resentment towards the other. When a couple is in a chasm of contempt, they often have developed a radar for quickly identifying what the other has done wrong and which justifies their ongoing animosity. You’re probably wondering how you and your partner can break out of this cycle.
You fell in love with your partner for a variety of reasons; tell your partner what you like about them. Is it their smile or their eyes, their attention to detail or how dedicated they are to something good? Think of a time when you received a sincere and unexpected compliment from someone and consider how that made you feel. Mark Twain is often quoted for saying, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Another simple action to help build fondness and admiration is to express appreciation and thank them.
An example could include saying, “thank you for folding the towels yesterday, our linen closet looks so organized.” You could say, “I appreciate your dedication to making time for us.” Express this gratitude directly to your partner, write these on a post-it note and leave it on their mirror, or send a thoughtful message via text. Get creative and do this often.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on what makes marriages work, has identified a simple approach to help couples like each other again. “Building fondness and admiration,” Dr. Gottman says, “is the antidote to contempt.” He has completed research on the ‘masters and disasters of relationships’ by studying couples during the past 30 years and using the findings of his research to shape therapeutic solutions. Building fondness and admiration involves sharing the traits and actions you like about your partner. You fell in love with your partner for a variety of reasons; tell your partner what you like about them. Is it their smile or their eyes, their attention to detail or how dedicated they are to something good? Think of a time when you received a sincere and unexpected compliment from someone and consider how that made you feel. Mark Twain is often quoted for saying, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Another simple action to help build fondness and admiration is to express appreciation and thank them. An example could include saying, “thank you for folding the towels yesterday, our linen closet looks so organized.” You could say, “I appreciate your dedication to making time for us.” Express this gratitude directly to your partner, write these on a post-it note and leave it on their mirror, or send a thoughtful message via text. Get creative and do this often.
The goal is to retune your radar to find and appreciate what your partner is doing right. The more people like and respect each other the better they treat the other. Out of all the people on our planet who deserve our best, our partners definitely qualify for our sincerest appreciation and respect. Make the decision today to give your partner compliments, offer expressions of gratitude and help them to feel your admiration. As Ghandi said, “be the change you want to see.” Using these concepts can help you and your partner to heal the hurt in your relationship and foster the fondness and admiration that will bring positivity, forgiveness and collaboration back to your relationship.
Jon Ray is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been using the Gottman approach with couples since 2006. Jon is a knowledgeable and passionate therapist who is dedicated to helping couples work through their challenges and succeed with experiencing love and happiness in their relationships. If you would like to learn more about other research-based concepts from Dr. Gottman and how they can help your relationship, reach out to us to set up an appointment. You can call (408) 341-9222 or (775) 453-0765 or click here to schedule.